Elevate Your Passionate Monogamy – Sex Drive (Libido) Help!
“Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth – for your love is more delightful than wine!” SOS1:2
My lover spoke to me and said, “Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me” SOS2:10
A healthy sex drive depends upon all around well being – physical and emotional healthiness. These quotes from the Song of Solomon make us want this passion for our marriages AND it is possible for us to have this forever in our marriages! Below I will discuss suggestions for help and tips to achieve and maintain this passion and sex drive. I will help you Excell your libido. One of my goals for all my patients who want it is to have a wonderful sex life until you die!
A common complaint from my female and male patients is lack of libido. Big passion killers are stress, lack of sleep, poor diet, depression, alcohol, smoking, and drugs. Over 40 percent of women and close to that of men worldwide have sexual concerns
S E X D – remember this as keys to increase your sex drive
S Sleep & Schedule Sex – Good sleep helps your general health, brain, and sex drive tremendously! Planning for sex makes it happen and builds anticipation.
deStress – Stress (with work/home/relationships/business and accompanying anxiety and depression) is one of the major factors affecting your sex drive. Our fast paced society and the longer you are married with increased responsibilities and children make having time and feeling balanced and having time for relationship and sex VERY difficult. Slowing down and cutting back on activity to make each other and God the priority is a must! Mind your own business and nuture your emotional and spiritual heart. This leads to a more relaxed, peaceful, and happy state of mind is extremely important for increasing your libido.
E Exercise regularly – Aerobically exercise at least 30 minutes near daily and weight training at least 30 minutes twice weekly to maintain best physical shape, and help hormone balance and stress.
X Xtras – Take daily Vitamin D, Fish Oil (EPA/DHA), and well absorbed multivitamin to help hormones and energy and immune function. Extra supplements like the adrenal hormone DHEA, natural supplements (like L-arginine, Zinc, Ginseng, Gingko), and sex hormones (testosterone for men and women, and estrogen and progesterone for women) may be needed. Other Extra things can include a new sex outfit or toy and reading a book to learn more hints and techniques to please your beloved.
D Diet – A diet rich in healthy proteins (legumes, low fat organic meat and dairy) and fruits and vegetables, and low in carbohydrates (refined sugar, bread, pasta, potatoes) keeps your body healthy for sex (and decreases insulin and cortisol production that will cause hormone imbalances).
& Date each other for the rest of your lives – Do Different things and always creative like when you first dated, and in this way keep the excitement and intimacy continually growing!
Let’s pause for a moment and consider, ” Why have sex?” It is for procreation (having babies for our human race to go on), proclamation (united through God in marriage), reconnection (deep emotional and spiritual connection during sex), recreation (for enjoyment and fun), and rejuvenation (great for our physical and emotional well-being).
“Red-Hot Monogamy – Making Your Marriage Sizzle!” , by Bill and Pam Farrell
Please click right now on this link to Amazon to purchase this tremendous book that everyone needs and can use for life! You and your spouse will be forever grateful and praising the Farrell’s and God! This book give you great knowledge and insight to repeatedly return to when needed. It gives you many specific and continually creative suggestions to make your marriage sizzle forever.
As I stated above, our fast paced society and many responsibilities can keep us running to everything except each other! Bill and Pam teach us in their book that couples need T.I.M.E. together.
T Ten to twenty minutes to talk alone together every day
I Invest in a weekly date night (or breakfast or lunch) for at least 4 hours, and be creative and do different things to stimulate and really date each other (like go on a picnic, see a play, fly a kite, try a different restaurant or foreign food, learn something together, visit your zoo or a museum, volunteer at a homeless shelter, ride bikes together, go to a garage sale, plant a tree or flowers, and so much more!!!).
M Make a monthly “day away” policy to spend 8-12 uninterrupted hours together to reconnect (can do fun things out and about together, but make sure to have some passionate sex together).
E Escape quarterly (or at least twice a year) for a 48 hour weekend alone together.
This shows your spouse that they are the most important person in your life. And remember that the greatest gift you can give your children is to have and model a great marriage… Additionally and in sync with this, for Dads, the greatest gift to his children is to love their mother with actions and words (how special and precious and beautiful). And for Moms, the greatest gift to her children is to respect their father with actions and words (often use the words respect and honor). The book “Love and Respect” by Emerson Eggerich greatly helps couples to understand each other and love and respect each other.
For both men and women, the best way to show your beloved how much you value them sexually is to learn how to give pleasure rather than take it or want it just your way. It is often the case that… men need sex to relax, and women need to relax to have sex. This can be a set up for problems, unless both lovers understand this and adjust to work to give each other pleasure. Also, each beloved must remember the power of encouraging words – when you have a good thought or tender feeling about your beloved, SAY SOMETHING. Be each other’s mirror to reflect and say and bring out our inner beauty and sexuality. Men need to compliment their lifelong bride (daily tell her how special and beautiful and precious she is and so thankful God gave her to you), listen to her (seek to daily understand and know her and not try to fix her), and serve and romance her (open her doors, leave love notes, bring her coffee, flowers, etc.). Women need to be risk takers sexually (don’t follow the same old pattern, be creative), take care of their bodies (work to be your healthiest and attractive to your man, practice Kegel exercises for pelvic tone), and be open to and work to learn and get better at oral sex with your man (there are many good books in a bookstore you can get to help give you techniques and ideas, but the best is to remember always what a gift God has given to you in your man).
Read “Red-Hot Monogamy” to learn much more about the traits of a red-hot lover they describe in the acrostic O.R.G.A.S.M. Others centered (goal of love is to help each other become the best people we can be), Risk taker (new ideas and exciting), God focused (have daily quiet time, devotions and pray together, weekly church and small group study, a yearly marriage conference), Attentive (observe each other and act on the things you learn), Self aware (know what you like and express your desires), and Mature (grow, change, and adjust and adapt together through the years). The Farrell’s have eight great chapters and at the end of each exciting creative “hands-on” homework!
Control your mind!…Your biggest sex organ is your mind!
“Don’t allow wrong thinking to sit on the throne of your mind. Hurl it down from its lofty position. Throw it into the trash and burn it. As for the good thoughts, lasso them; pull them in. Get your arms around them and make them your own!” This is a paraphrase on 2 Corinthians 10:5 from the book “Intimate Issues – Conversations Woman to Woman” by Dillow and Pintus.
Throw your bad thoughts and past experiences in the trash! When these weeds begin to grow (such as thoughts of past hurts or crude images or negative attitudes), yank them out and throw them away.
Instead, each day plant seeds in your mind to transform your heart and grow your love and passion.
- Remember what a blessing you are to each other. Write these blessings down and weekly leave your beloved a love note.
- Daily remind yourself how much you are attracted to your wife’s womanly beauty or your man’s handsomeness and masculinity. Tell them this often!
- Reading and memorizing some scripture can help transform and control your mind. Read it to build up your own self image and your image of your spouse. Quoting some parts of scripture to your beloved can make them feel very special, loved, respected, treasured, and honored!
For example, I will tell my husband at times how “ruddy and handsome” he is. I can then see how it builds him up. This makes him love me even more, and gets us on that great “Energizing Cycle” talked about in the book “Love and Respect”, by Emerson Eggerichs – another must read for all ages 20 and up!
Below are some great scripture to memorize to remind yourself of your sexuality and your beloved’s…
“As a loving hind and a graceful doe, let (my) breasts satisfy you at all times; be exhilarated with (my) love.” Proverbs 5:19
“His mouth is full of sweetness. And he is wholly desirable. This is my beloved and this is my friend.” Song of Solomon 5:16
“I am my beloved’s, and his (or put in “her”) desire is for me.” Song of Solomon 7:10
“My lover is radiant and ruddy, outstanding among ten thousand.” Song of Solomon 5:9
“As an apricot tree stands out in the forest, my lover stands above the young men in town. All I want is to sit in his shade, to taste and savor his delicious love.” Song of Solomon 2:3, The Message
“You’re so beautiful , my darling, my bride. Your hair shimmers; your smile is strong; your lips inviting; your neck elegant; your breasts like fawns; your curves so lovely. You’re beautiful from head to toe, my dear love, beautiful beyond compare, absolutely flawless.” Song of Solomon 4:1-7, The Message
“You are the loveliest of all women!” Song of Solomon 1:8, The Message
“I long for my lover. I want him desperately.” Song of Solomon 3:1, The Message
“My lover is one in a million. There’s no one quite like him! His eyes are like doves but deep-set and brimming with meaning, his face is rugged; his voice and words warm and reassuring; fine muscles ripple beneath his skin quiet and handsome; his torso is the work of a sculptor-hard and smooth as ivory; he stands tall like a cedar-strong and deep-rooted; a rugged mountain of a man. His words are kisses, his kisses words. Everything about him delights me, thrills me through and through!… That’s my lover, that’s my man, dear friends.” Song of Solomon 5:10-16, The Message
- Family Life – Help for Today, Hope for Tomorrow, www.familylife.com – attend their great marriage seminar my lover Bruce and I have already twice attended, “A Weekend to Remember”
- American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, www.aasect.org
- American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, www.aamft.org
- “Red-Hot Monogamy-Making Your Marriage Sizzle”, by Bill and Pam Farrell
- “Intimate Issues – Conversations Woman to Woman”, by Dillow and Pintus
- “Getting the Sex You Want: A Woman’s Guide to Becoming Proud, Passionate, and Pleased in Bed” ,by Leiblum and Sachs
- “Making Love the Way We Used To…or Better: Secrets to Satisfying Midlife Sexuality”, by Altman and Asher
- “My Secret Garden”, by Friday
- “Illustrated Manual of Sex Therapy”, by Kaplan
Remember also to go your local bookstore and faith bookstore to browse for good books with great tips for you to passionately elevate your monogamy! (I recently bought a book about sex secrets to spark my creativity, for our awesome marriage and love!)
…Next blog newsletter I will address some particular libido issues and treatments for men and for women!